A Family Story

Are you one of those people who grew up in a family that you know loves each other but just not showy about it? Not showy in terms of “physical sweetness” or “not- really-used to saying-I love you” kind of thing. Sure, they know that you love them but there’s always room to make a relationship better, right?

I have been away from my family for most of my life and have only re-kindled my “close” relationship with them the past year. I have noticed that the family house have become kind of a dorm where people have their own spaces and they come and go without anyone else’s knowledge and pass each other around the house without so much as an acknowledgement. My mom and dad are divorced but dad stayed in the house in a separate bedroom helping out with the rent instead of moving out and paying for his own. My brother Jay (the youngest) got married at a really young age and cannot afford to live on his own yet. So he and his wife with their two kids have their own bedroom in the house while the living room has turned into a semi-day care center. My second sister Rachel has moved to a studio apartment at the back to get away from all the chaos in the house where my other sister Mindy would have her friends over almost every day and play music and such. Rachel’s pretty conservative, involved with church activities and pretty much keeps to herself while Mindy is the extrovert kind of girl that makes her friends more like her family instead of her siblings. Being all together like this would have been a great setting for my mom who is old-fashioned and would keep her kids around her forever if she could but as you can now imagine, the family’s situation is far from the word “ideal”.

It wasn’t always like this. During my pre-teen years, when we were all together, we would eat our meals, attend church, go to parties and outings ALL TOGETHER. Those were the days….

The other night, Rachel and I were talking about the family’s situation and I couldn’t help but cry when I heard her views about it. Though we all know that we can count on her when we really need her help, she had already made herself very much detached to the family. She would go in the main house just to watch her favorite cable show (since she doesn’t have one) or eat when she didn’t have food in her apartment. That’s about how far her relationship is with them.

Though different families sure have different issues, the distant relations between Rachel, Mindy, Jay and my parents are neither new nor rare. They are the face of every family in the world that has grown apart through the years.

I believe that it's still not too late to glue them back together. It’s NEVER too late for anyone. Here are some of the steps to take that I discussed with Rachel to try and pick up where they all left off thirteen years ago when things were different. Sure, it may never be the same anymore. But this is when it gets even better.

- Greet/acknowledge each other whenever you see them. A simple “hey, Mindy” should do.

- Forgive. Try not to think about the past issues. Always look and move forward with a positive attitude that it will get better.

- Understand. Be the bigger man. If they say something unpleasant or behave unpleasantly, keep your temper low and love them even more. Easy to say here, I know, but sacrifices go a long way…

- Communicate. Send a text message or email if you’re comfortable talking to them yet. Just say “hi, hope you have a good day” or simply update them on anything major that comes up in your life like getting back with an ex, applying for a new job etc.

- Be there for them. If you notice that they are down or troubled, make sure you let them know that you're around whenever they need someone even to just "talk" or hang around with. Find out if they have activities in their lives that you know you can give your moral support just by showing up and attending those activities.

- Establish individual relationships with them by inviting them to dinner even though you know they’re going to say they’re busy.

- Be patient. This is a process that will take time before you see results. But don't give up. We never do to the ones we love…